Letting go of the Negative Ego

"Live like there is no tomorrow, wallow in all the happiness that comes your way, and never look back. Let go of old grudges." ~ KoC in Around the Tarot in 78 Days

With so much at hand, I decided it was time to pull some cards for myself. This was four days ago. They've been sitting there looking at me ever since. Begging me to define them, be the voice to their message. Unfortunately, I must admit they've caught me a bit off guard. Not because their meaning seems difficult to decipher, but because the message is hard to swallow. The end is fast coming and I am having a hard time letting go and allowing those working on my behalf to do just that.

I decided on a basic three card spread, and added two additional cards to clarify:

          2.           3.
1.        
              4.          5.

1. What's at hand  2. Advice  3. Outcome 4. How to deal with my current situation 5. Summary

Cards pulled:
1. King of Cups 2. Death 3. Queen of Swords in Reverse 4. 3 of Swords 5. Queen of Wands


1. Right off the hop, I noticed 3 Court cards had come to play. Instinctively I knew the Queens for who they were… me, but I'll get to that later. It's the King of Cups, however, that has kept me stuck. Even as I write this I am conflicted with him representing a person in my life, or his qualities as represented in my life.

Instinctively, I go to him as a message rather than a person. Which works well with the KoC, as his is a realm built on instinct. He is the master of intuition. He is also patient, something which I am working on, overtime, right now. My time here in Ottawa is coming to an end, and for that I'm thankful. Normally, I would be over obsessing about where I'm going to live, sending out resumes like a mad woman, freaking out about getting all the arrangements done, dates and times set and ensuring that everyone is on board with my plan. This time around I can't. And not even just be cause I don't want to. I am physically, emotionally and mentally unable. There seems to be this big wall of mist that I walk into every time I try to take control, landing me on my back with a massive headache or extreme exhaustion. I was worried about my blood pressure and the tingling I get when I try to get over involved… but my numbers are optimal. Physically, I am in great shape.

What I think I'm running into is universe it's self. Literally. It is shielding me, keeping me from past behaviours and making me rely on others to get it done. And believe me, I don't do that easily and yet, everything seems to be okay and getting done. This is my new beginning, and it starts with trusting that everything I have done in the past has laid down the ground work for where I am going.

2. Death. Again, with so many court cards in this pull, and the state of these ridiculous self inflicted headaches I've been getting, I must admit, the death card makes me a little nervous as I am of the schooling that the Death Card means just that, and it does not deferentiate between events or people. Because my query was specifically situational versus person(s) specific, and the relation between the original three cards, it solidifies what I already know. Who and what I've been up to this point is coming to an end. Death come swiftly, as I am ready to be reborn.

New Moon in Scorpio

3. Time and time again I tell people, my favourite card is The Empress, and my most hated card is The Queen of Swords in reverse. One hates most in others that which he sees reflected in his shamed self. If anyone must die, let it be her in me. The mean, jealous and finger pointing self that can get so wrapped up in what and who I thought I should have been. Yes, that's me, boiling the bunny in a pot, screaming at the top of my lungs "I did this all for you and what did I get in return? RRROOOAAARRR". It's silly and of that I am sure!
However, it is said that it is virtually impossible to cut your own arm off, thus, making it much easier to cut off someone else's. I have a few arm bones in my closet of skeletons.

We've just been graced by a New Moon and as if it were a gift from universe, I happened upon the following passage;

This New Moon in Scorpio is the time to "Face the Death of the Negative Ego." Cathy McClelland. Brilliant.

4. As confirmation to that which needs to die in my life, I pulled the 3 of Swords. No surprises there. Every time I see this card I am reminded to experience my emotions. I turned to my tarot notes, and smiled when I read a personal reflection of this card… New Beginnings out of Loss.


5. The Queen of Wands. In all the cards in this deck, there are two that I believe are a reflection of myself and who I strive to be: Strength and The Queen of Wands. The KoC and the QoW are a beautiful marriage of personalities. Both creative, strong with a solid sense of spirit. The Queen of Wands is a woman who is connected to her whole self, she naturally embraces all four elements and walks through life with confidence and grace. A smile to spare for all she sees.

As a final confirmation, I decided to connect with my angel cards, something I haven't done in forever… and who but Francesca came to visit, asking me to visualize what I want, and it will be. Reminding me that negativity will do nothing but block my progress.

Imagine, at the end of all of this, and I finally get to be who I'm truly meant to be.

Dreaming of the red carpet,
)o(
Amanda